I
received this in an email.
If you are old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will
enjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough you will see what
you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a
great entertainer. A rerun of great one liner's from the man who was
known for his clean humor. I hope you
get a chuckle or two reading them once more
as well as a story from Red himself.
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE
FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1.
Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
Little beverage, good food and companionship
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in
California
, and mine is in Texas .
3. I take my wife everywhere....
But she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric
Toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
To sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
Because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
For the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
First name was
Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it........these were the good old days
When humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just
clean and simple fun.
And he always ended his programs with the words, "God Bless."
Richard
Red
Skelton
(b. 1913 - d. 1997) was a clean-joke teller, an portrait artist, and
a poet. He was in the same poetry association I joined and I was
glad of it, because his work is good.
At 10
or so years old, he left home and joined a Medicine Show. That's the
traveling show Cher sang about in
Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves.
They sing, they do magic, they dance (some strip a little), they
sell some tonic, and someone tells jokes or does slapstick. This was
like vaudeville, only it traveled in wagons or in old cars in the
1920s about the time of the prelude to the Great Depression. Growing
up in extreme poverty, he needed something to laugh at and he was
influenced by vaudeville and tent show comedian Ed Wynn.
Red
learned a lot about funny faces, clowning, slapstick comedy and
pantomime, but one of the best things he did was the Story Joke. The
one presented below is from vaudeville, updated and cleaned up a
little for mid-20th century television. Red did some "naughty
jokes", as he called them, but never on film. He did not want
audiences to see or hear them. He used to upset his weekly TV script
rehearsals with these jokes to make himself laugh so hard that he
could relax before the live taping later. However, he was relaxed
while, others were annoyed. Ha-ha. Double fun for him!
Red Skelton's Vaudeville Joke
A man goes into the confessional at church and says, "Forgive me,
father. I have sinned."
The priest recognizes the man's voice. It is Charlie Smith, one of
the most loyal, devoted members of the church. The priest says,
"Charlie, I cannot believe that you, of all people, could possibly
have committed a sin."
Charlie says, "Well, father, I am ashamed to admit that I did. My
wife and I have been married for 42 years and for the last ten, we
have been unable to have marital relations. And you cannot imagine
what that is like, father. It just creates unbearable tension and
causes my dear wife to believe that I do not love her, which is far,
far from the truth."
"I understand," says the priest.
Charlie goes on: "Then, last Saturday evening, I looked at my wife
and she was bending over a sack of potatoes. There was something
about her at that moment...I suddenly experienced feelings I had not
felt for a decade. I was suddenly filled with love and passion for
my wife and I grabbed her and ripped her dress off and we made love,
right there on that sack of potatoes. And that is how I have sinned,
father."
The priest is puzzled. "That is not a sin, my son. The two of you
are married...it is not a sin to express that love for your wife..."
There are tears in Charlie's voice as he gasps, "You mean it,
father? You really mean it? We won't be thrown out of the church?"
The priest laughs. "Of course not. Why would we throw you out of the
church?"
Charlie says, "Well, they threw us out of the Safeway."
Copyright for photos remains with original copyholders
Author is unknown
